A True Friend - All we need is a little bit of everything and a whole lot of ISA. Sometimes you will feel upset when a mutual friend supported someone else’s point of view...
1. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
2. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
3. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
4. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
5. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
6. Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today?
7. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
8. What often falls but never gets hurt?
9. What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?
10. What looks like half apple?
11. What can you never eat for breakfast?
12. What three letters change a girl into a woman?
13. What happened when wheel was invented?
14. Why is it easy to weigh a fish?
15. Why does a bike rest on its leg?
1. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!
2. No time at all; it is already built.
3. Very large hands.
4. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
5. He sleeps at night.
6. Because he is dead.
7. It becomes wet.
10. The other half.
13. It caused a revolution.
14. Because it has its own scales.
15. Because it is too tyred.
TEARS: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later on.
PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
MARRIAGE: It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
CRIMINAL: A guy no different from the other, unless he gets caught.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read.
CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
ATOM BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a couple of hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
And lastly, BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Doms said, “No, that’s okay. God will take care of me.” So, the man in the boat drove off.
The water rose higher, so Doms climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Doms to get in.
Doms replied, “No, that’s okay. God will take care of me.” The person in the boat then left.
The water rose even more, and Doms climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Doms to climb up the ladder and get in.
Doms said, “That’s okay.” The woman said, “Are you sure?”
Doms replied, “Yeah, I’m sure God will take care of me.”
Finally, the water rose too high and Doms drowned. Doms got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.
Doms said to God, “You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?”
God replied, “Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?”
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic (complete paralysis of the lower half of the body including both legs, usually caused by damage to the spinal cord) in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. c",)
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.
Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation. All, that is, except for one student.
He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper.
He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.
The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.
The professor wrote "100%" on the top of that student's test.
The question: What is courage?
The student's answer: This is.
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9, The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
The other workers looked at the young man disapprovingly. Too often he was making fun of the older men. Still they tried to put it to the thoughtlessness of the youth.
Where have your biceps disappeared, grandpa? Shouldn´t you go and search for them? Don´t see much filling your sleeves!
Enough was enough. The tired worker straightened his back and looked at the sneering young man straight in the eye. So you say you have all the muscle you need to push this wheelbarrow and anything in it? Of course! the young man proudly said. Wanna bet?
Actually yes, the older man said. I´ll bet a whole days wages that I can push something in this wheelbarrow to that warehouse over there. And the bet is something you, with all your muscle, can´t push back.
Well, it´s your loss, I´m in! the young man laughed; easiest money I have made!
You witnessed the bet? The older man asked the others around them and nodded. He then turned to the young man, pushed the wheelbarrow towards him and said, ok, hop in!
Lesson: You can't teach an old dog with new tricks.
We live in a world that constantly tell us life is difficult, thus resulting to a mindset of wanting more, getting more and holding on to our possession. This further leads to a mentality that we would never have enough to share with others.
But this is so untrue. There are many ways we can give and help. God gave us a lot of resources like material wealth, time and talent which are meant to be shared. It is only when we learn to share that we can expect to be blessed with more because God is able to give us back much more than what we are capable of giving out.
“Give and gifts will be given to you.” –Luke 6:38
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
But it had a swollen body and small, shrinked wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrinked wings.
It never was able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and carelessness did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.
And we could never fly.
1. Optimists look for the good in every situation. No matter what goes wrong, they always look for something good or beneficial. And not surprisingly, they alwasy seem to find it.
2. Optimists always seek the valuable lesson in every setback or difficulty. They believe that "difficulties come not to obstrcut, but to instruct". They believe that each setback or obstacle contains a valuable lesson they can learn and grow from, and they are determined to find it.
3. Optimist always look for the solution to every problem. Instead of blaiming or complaining when things go wrong, they become action oriented. They ask questions like, "What's the solution? What can we do now? What's the next step?"
In addition, people who are habitually optimistic, positive and upbeat think and talk continually about their goals. They think and talk about the future and where they are going rather than the past and where they came from. They are always looking forward rather than backward.
When you continually visualize your goals and ideals and talk to yourself in a positive way, you feel more focused and energized. You feel more confident and creative. You experience a greater sense of control and personal power.
And the more positive and motivated you feel, the more eager you are to get started and the more determined you are to keep going.
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the School Principal!"
When our school librarian announced she was changing schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, "Why do you think Ms. Dominick is leaving?"
The third grader opined, "Because she's read all our books?"
Teacher: Aldrin, give me a sentence starting with I.
Aldrin: I is...
Teacher: No, Aldrin. Always say, "I am..."
Aldrin: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.